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Friday, November 5, 2010

Junior high was miserable not olny because I was friendless at school and abused at home, but also because I walked away from God. I was finally worn down to saying a cus word at someone- calling them the nasty word, in the ninth grade. I remember because it was a conscience choice, and he (that kid from second grade) laughed in my face at the thought of ME talking that way. Nobody at school knew I had been saved (due to following my mother's advice), but it still didn't fit, I guess, for me to talk that way.
I tried drinking to get drunk… my parents were willing to buy me wine coolers if I asked for them… I think it made me sleep harder and made things easier for my stepfather. I wasn't able to achieve drunk enough to escape with those and when they caught me sneaking the harder stuff (not sure what it was, kind of an amber color) that was sitting out in the kitchen, he tried to make me drink the whole bottle in the name of  "force them to over do it and they'll regret they ever had the idea"-type-prevention/intervention. I stole little things from the store my mother worked at… just to see if I could do it. I probably would have done more things that I would regret even more, but God protected me from myself. I trusted nobody. When a boy would aak me out I would turned him down cold, I couldn't see why they would want to risk their reputation by being seen with me unless they thought they could get what my stepfather was already taking…no chance!!
These things… though they may be small compared to the wild lives others chose, were enough to make me feel as dirty on the inside as the abuse made me feel on the outside. I understand now that was conviction… and I figured that out sooner than I realized because I remember telling God to leave me alone.

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