The Woman in My Mirror

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Though this is a copy of an email to the Mom, written a few months ago. The gratitude extends not only to her, but to others (many who read my blog), who have been a source of stability, encouragement and love in my life for decades. 

You may not realize how big of an impact you have made in my life, because often I am lousy at receiving love. But those of you who have "always been there" the ones that I can easily take for granted,  the words that were directed to Mom, fit you as well. 

Without your unconditional love. Without your encouragement.  Without your prayers. Without your esteeming me higher than I do myself. I could not have come this far:

"I catch a glimpse as I'm washing my hands, and I do a double take. Who is that? Me? I wish. She is pretty, happy, confident, healthy, loved, capable, comfortable in her own skin/with who she is... then I realize, it is me! How is that possible? The easy answer is God did it. How? I don't know. One day at a time. I am stunned every time I see her. When I look in a mirror, I expect to see that shame-filled, helpless, foolish obnoxious, annoying girl, who can do nothing right, and who's ideas are always dismissed or ignored. That's who I was trained to believe I was, and I believed it completely for 40 years (and still do for the most part), but when I look in the mirror I have started seeing this other person. She's beautiful to me, someone I want to be like. I want to have that confidence. I want to be that comfortable with myself. I want to be that happy. I want to know that l'm loved, like she knows it. I want to be that sure I can do what needs to be done...

When I realize that is me I just smile and praise the Lord for the healing and growth He has given and I am thankful that I can see it. I thank you also, for not giving up on me. I know I am a mess, I ebb and flow with my emotions. I am so weak and get so tired, but your belief in me and who I might one day be is, more often than you may realize, sometimes the only thing that keeps me from continuing to believe the lies of my lifetime. I struggle with them, because of how deeply their roots run, but you have been the lone voice encouraging me to challenge the image I was always encouraged to own. And I have challenged it. And though I know I am FAR from victory, I would be willing to say that I am making progress. 

I do admit: l am almost pretty, I am sometimes comfortable in my skin, I am happy with the life I have, and am amazed with how far I have come and all the Lord has allowed me to accomplish. He has been SO good to me, and I know I am completely unworthy.Thanks for being a tool in God's hands, in my life. I wouldn't be who I am without you and your longsuffering. You're the best Mom I have, and I am blessed and amazed that God saw fit to bring our lives together. 

I love you."

Thank you, dear readers, for always being so gracious towards me. For seeing in me what I do not see. For loving whatever is loveable within me. For allowing me to see Christ in you, so that I may follow you as you follow Him, and hopefully reflect Him in my life as you do in yours.  

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