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Showing posts from 2018

Christmas 2018

This Christmas season passed so quickly. As I sit, now by my tree in the quiet living room, kids in bed on Christmas night. Presents opened and put away, dinner enjoyed and guests gone home, dishes washed and leftovers put away.  I am content. My new home has new memories that have been made. This is the first Christmas I have hosted in three years, and the first one I did all by myself (okay, the kids helped A LOT). Having my home filled with friends that are as dear as family made my Christmas feel like Christmas. I enjoy watching my children open their gifts, and I am always thankful for any gifts I receive, but the table at dinner... Listening to stories, and sharing in the lives of those who may have been alone today-- that's my favorite part of Christmas. Tonight as I left my children watching Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas videos, to go have a ham sandwich at the dinning room table alone. I thought," I love this". Sitting alone, in the quiet, the tree lit

Facebook Memories

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See that girl? Second row from the bottom, second from the left? (Picture attached) Can you tell by looking at her, that she is bullied every day at school, her step-father abuses her almost every night, that she is failing every class (except TA in the office), that her classmates have her convinced that nobody loves her and no one ever will? Is it obvious to you, that suicide is something she considers daily? To me she looks pretty happy, her smile is bigger than half the others on the page. She doesn't look full of shame. But I know different. I know all those details mentioned above are facts. Because that is me (yeah, "Lola Cruz" was the first name I ever had, LoL) This picture popped up in my Facebook Memories the other day. The memories of that time returned with it.  I never really noticed before how well I hid my reality. I tried to hide it, and hoped I did a good job, but I was never sure. Only once was I ever called to the counselor and asked about hom

26 years ago, today

It's amazing how I can remember so much about one day 26 years ago, but I can't remember what happened two days ago... Today, 26 years ago, I met so many people who changed my life completely. If you had told me how important the choice to go to THAT church, THAT morning was, I would have told you (in my most sarcastic teenager voice) that you were crazy and that I was only going the one time because my mother was too chicken to go by herself. The first thing I remember is meeting the lady who gave us a ride to church. She was only expecting to pick up our neighbor lady, and instead she had her plus two. And one of those (me) was a snotty teen, with a chip on her shoulder about Baptists. And I am pretty sure she could tell by looking.  I could tell she wasn't thrilled by the surprise of extra people, but she was pleasant (I think our minds have been linked from that moment, it is sometimes scary how alike we think). I do think I remember her saying something about us bein

Meeting Family

Some of the scariest days of my life are the days I meet the biological family members of those I have adopted into my world as my family.  I am never sure how I will be received by those family members. I know how my biological family would react (because I have witnessed it! Not pretty!!), So my already existing social anxiety goes up. Yesterday, I met the younger son of the the couple I call Mom and Dad. I have known these people for more than 25 years, and yesterday was the first time I have ever seen either of their two sons.  My anxiety was so high yesterday, that the only reason I didn't back out of dinner with the family, was because I was too scared to call and cancel. 😊 (That mom, is such a mom!). Of course once I got to the house, I settled into myself, and all was fine.  We clicked like family, and they (son and daughter-in-law) were excited to know I would be at church tonight.  When I got to church tonight, their son pulled me aside, thanked me for watching out