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Life is hard. 

Change is necessary. And painful.

I am so thankful for those in my life who are willing to show me what I need to see, even when they might be nervous about pointing out my shortcomings. Those are REAL friends. The ones that see what you need to change in order to be a better person, not for their preference, but for your good (and God's glory!).

Most who know me know I am a giver. A giver of myself, my time and energy (I have no money or I'd probably give that, too!!). Those who know me well may think (rightly so) that I give myself away to a fault. Reserving little or no time for myself. If someone needs assistance (or not), or a menial task needs to be done, if I see it, I will jump to do it. As a guest I rarely just let the hostess do everything (unless I have been TOLD!). In fact, sitting and seeing something that needs to be done is one of the hardest things for me to do. 

Yesterday I saw a video clip that explained this as a learned response to the adults in my childhood (I think my grandmother in particular). Meeting their expectations for approval and love meant seeing what needed to be done and doing it in a manner that made the adults around me happy. Them happy made me happy. As I watched this clip, I was like "that makes sense!" The challenge then was to learn that my happiness, my identity needs to be not rooted in the making everyone else happy and meeting 100% of everyone else's needs to the neglect of myself. 

"Who considers me? I'm not important!" That has been the voice in my head for as long as I can remember.

Today I was TOLD. 

"I know you like to help when we need it, but sometimes you're helping us because YOU need it."

Well, yeah. I just had that epiphany yesterday. If you saw it before, why didn't you say something?? All you've said is,"I don't want to hurt your feelings."  (I didn't say that, but I thought it 😏) 

As we talked I realized some of the struggle I have had over the last few months has been this issue mixed with their realization of the issue and their desire for me to see it without them having to spell it out for me.

If you see an issue in someone's life, say something. If you just try to alter the relationship with them, to attempt to modify their behavior without explanation, it creates confusion, hurt feelings and can cause them to fight harder to keep what you see they need to lose.  Yes, not everyone receives constructive criticism well, but if it is given with love and comes from one the person knows has their best interest at heart, even if they don't take it well intially, they may see that you are right and decide to make necessary changes. 

And if they are me, I will thank you (eventually) and ask for help in seeing what needs to be done. 

I want to be healthy. 

I am (and want to be) a servant at heart. But I can't serve others if I keep myself drained. I've been running on empty for a long time.

Being only a taker is easy to see and lots of people can identify that issue for a person rather easily. But being an excessive giver isn't as easy to identify as a problem. People like to receive 🙂. Giving/helping us a good thing! But too much of a good thing can be bad...

There is a balance. That's my goal. Finding that balance. 

I was trained to not think of me at all. To always do for everyone else. To expect nothing from anyone, ever. 

Though I am not the doormat I was seven or eight years ago, I am still over eager to do whatever you need whenever you might need it. 

I told the Mom today,"It's hard for me to set and stick to boundaries. To set limits and be able to say 'No'. I have been conditioned to believe that is being mean or hard", though it's ok for anyone to tell me no, or for them to be too busy when I need/want something. 

She said I need to take time for me. Time to sit and enjoy my desert, read a book, have a cup of tea, or what ever... I honestly don't know how. I mean I can for a few minutes every few months. But it is hard unless I leave home and visit that one person who doesn't want me to do much when I am at her house 😊. 

Pray for me as I continue to learn what a healthy version of me is and should look like. I know I am closer to becoming her than ever before, but it's hard work!! I realized I was one of the neediest people I know probably ten or fifteen years ago, but I was yesterday years old when I realized that I also need to be needed. It's nice to be useful and helpful, but truly none of us is NEEDED, we can all be easily replaced. Being a blessing is a blessing, but it shouldn't be a coping mechanism for survival. And being needed shouldn't be a way of life, a source of peace and comfort. That should be Jesus -- He is what we all need.