struggles with the dark

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Those who read my blog seem to mostly be my Facebook friends. So you know the craziness my life has been the last couple of weeks. I don't mind the busy, the unexpected and the "inconvenience" of caregiving for My People. It's an honor and my joy comes from seeing them improve and the grace and strength God gives is most humbling and amazing to me. I know without doubt I could not do half of what I do if I wasn't strengthened by God to do what He obviously has for me to do. 

But sometimes I get tired.

That may be an understatement 🙂

The problem with tired, is I spend a lot of time alone in my car tending to the things that must get done. And I have an enemy who enjoys trampling my spirit.  Though I know much of what plays through my mind when I am so tired is half-truth, exaggerated or taken out of context, the fact that there are bits of truth (no matter how small) makes it so hard for my tired brain to resist or ignore.  When I'm not tired, these thoughts don't get any consideration. 

Sunday, as was driving the last 38 miles of the 160 I drove that day (that's not counting another over 300 for this week), the enemy tried attacking again. A little different angle maybe than other times, but still effective in bringing me down for a bit.

The thought "You know what I hate most about myself?" And the answer, "My inability to feel and accept love" kept running through my mind. 

I was so betrayed by those who should have loved me, that I have missed most of life realizing those who truly do.  I act like I believe people when they say they love me and I reciprocate the sentiment.  But often I deflect or minimize what I have been told. 

That's not fair to those who claim to care. But it's also harmful to myself because I continue to believe that I am really alone and nobody really cares.

I know that's not true. I have many wonderful people in my life who I know aren't lying about how much I matter to them. But I have a block that keeps me from really trusting that it's possible.

But this reality isn't what got to me that night.  What struck me is how much love and acceptance I have missed out on, even from those I KNOW love me, because it takes SO long for me to trust and genuinely receive that love. How much more could I be if I weren't so stupid and scared of letting others love me and be willing to love them back.

The freedom to just be and realize that me being me can be loveable is the coolest thing ever. But I don't let myself have that freedom with very many people.  

Thinking about what has been lost with people I've known "forever",  it hurt my heart because I've been a vacuum of emotional neediness for so long and I only catch glimpses of that from time to time. The realization of how much I have taken and not reciprocated is what hit me last night. And that is what I hate most about myself. How selfish of me to not give back or pay forward  the love of so many of you. It has cost me more than I will ever know. 

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