The next battle begins

I need prayer. 

Today had a rough start,  that was also amazingly tender. 

It started yesterday...

I was at the Parents' (as I am every Sunday afternoon), we met in the living room,  by the fireplace, after our naps (as we do every Sunday afternoon) to visit for a few minutes before getting ready to go back for evening service (as we do every Sunday afternoon 🙂).  I was thumbing through a magazine,  as she was finishing a section of her Epoch Times, she looked at me and pointed to an article,  said it was really good  and that I should read it. Being the obedient child that I am, I picked up the paper and read the article.  It was information that was old news to me: childhood trauma such as abuse and bullying have been linked to chronic pain,  illness and autoimmune disease. I've long believed the abuse I endured during my teen years played a big part in my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, migraines, etc.

But the article ended with the idea that a key to recovery is finding a way to conquer those thoughts that keep those like me down. It suggested "mirror talk". A routine (they suggested 30 days) of saying nice things to yourself every morning in the mirror.  I smiled at the idea and set the paper down. And said something like "I've heard that before, I agree the abuse contributed to my current misery, but the bullying is a new idea--I've not heard of it being credited for any thing before." 

She looked up from her paper, over her reading glasses and in her Mom voice said, "You should try it. It might help." 

I know I gave her  look of "you can't be serious", because she said, "I mean it!" 

I promised to think about it, and we went to church.

When we got home, there was nothing more said (she does the mom thing well!).

At 4:30, when she woke to check her BP, I was awakened, I guess by a dream, and visited with her for a few minutes,  we praised the Lord that though her BP was a little high, it wasn't scary high and went back to bed. At 5, I decided to get up, sometimes it's pointless to even try to sleep, and I was thinking about that "mirror talk", I wanted to remember exactly what they suggested saying. So, I went to the living room and found the paper.  I took pen and paper with me, so I could write the exact words. "I love you (___insert your name__).  And you are enough."

I couldn't write my name. I burst into tears. I collapsed into prayer.  

I recognized a problem.  

I was able to pull myself together for my devotional time, and regular prayer. But broken is how my day started. 

I was sitting on the couch considering my reality. I had spoken truth yesterday afternoon when I said, "I almost like the person I see in the mirror." But honestly,  I couldn't even write that I like (my name), nevermind love her, and that broke my heart. The truth can be painful. As I was sitting there, the Mom came down the hall, ready to start the day. She asked, "Are you just sitting there?"

"Sort of", I said

"Sort of? What does that mean?"

I explained my difficulty of the morning, and of course started to cry...

She felt horrible, she said "Forget it! I didn't mean to make you worse! I wanted to help." 

I assured her it wasn't her fault, that I want to be healthy. I just thought I had come farther than I had. I confessed that I couldn't write my name because as I wrote those words "THAT'S A LIE!" came screaming into my mind. 

She said, "THAT'S a lie!"

"I know."

She said a prayer telling Satan to leave me alone,  in Jesus Name. Gave me a hug and went to the kitchen. 

As I sat there on the couch I cried. Like I haven't cried in years. It was horrible (I hate crying). At first, she told me to stop, and tried to lighten the moment, but that didn't work (like it usually does). Next thing I knew, she stopped what she was doing, came and sat with me and in the most motherly way wrapped both arms around me, and cried with me, for I don't know how long.

I told her later, I don't ever remember being comforted like that ever before. Ever. 

As we regained composure she suggested saying "Jesus loves you, and that's enough" I smiled and assured her I already knew that. 

She said, "You know it, but you don't KNOW it." (Ouch!)  

I do know it. I've heard it all my life. 

She assured me that lots of people love me, but she knows I don't believe it,  my brain prevents me from receiving it. I just can't quite understand how I could possibly be loveable. 

She said some of the sweetest words anyone has ever used to describe me... but she is the Mom... (don't tell her I said that,  she'll hit me!) She told me I was one of the most wonderful, caring, sweet people she knew. She told me she wished she had raised me with her two brats (her word not mine!! I think she was trying to make me smile).

Though I know she doesn't just say things to be nice, I still found myself not believing her words... which hurt more. "I want to be healthy.  I want to have the right perspective."

I don't know how we pulled ourselves together,  but we managed to be without evidence of all those tears when Dad came to breakfast.  

I  had a meeting for school, then they left for a dr. appointment. 

After they left I had an idea! (OK. it was God) search for Bible verses that will counter the lies, and argue the truth of what God thinks of us, mankind, created in His image. It took seconds. I found a list of 100 references to verses and passages that talk about the worth of each human life to God.

My goal is to add consideration of each of these for at least a week each until God wins this victory for me.

I don't want to be full of self, but I do want a healthy perspective of God's true opinion of me. 

Perhaps then I will be able to not only love others,  but allow myself to be loved by others...

Pray for me. This is going to be the battle of a lifetime,  these roots run (at least) 40 years deep, and I need them dug out... I want them out. I need them out.