the Mom

This is one of my most favorite pictures. You can't see her eyes in this picture as well as you can if you are holding the photo in your hands, but they're the important part. The first time I really looked at this picture,  it made me cry. I'd had it on my dresser for more than 16 years, and I looked at it all the time, but I didn't really see it. Until my world was falling apart,  then I suddenly saw the love in those eyes.  

She's been a dear friend and mentor for nearly 30 years, but two major events happened before that day in 2015, that mixed with the events of 2015, and lead me to see how much she loved me in 1999...

In 2005, my grandmother and I ended up at her house.  This friend who had given me her house key 5 years before and never asked for it back welcomed us at a moments notice,  for a week! I got to the house and started to relax. The problem with that was at that time I was prone to migraine headaches,  one of my biggest triggers was stress.  Relaxing from stress always brought a headache.  Traveling with my grandmother was the most stressful adventure I'd ever had. That migraine took me to the floor and left me there for 6 weeks. My grandmother believed my headaches were strictly faked or exaggerated for attention, so demanding attention from me and yelling in my face, was what I received from her, understanding was not an option. 

This lady I now call Mom, was already one of my very best friends,  but I saw another side of her that visit.  A softness,  a type of caring I had never before experienced from her or anyone.  She caught me crawling down the hall at 5:30 in the morning.  I needed migraine medicine,  and it was in the kitchen.  She whisper-yelled at me when she caught me.  But why would I wake her to get my meds? Why would I bother anyone? I wasn’t worthy of anyone losing sleep over my not feeling well (and I'm still not!),  and I  couldn't stand the pain of speaking to ask anyway. The next morning,  after she and her husband were up, she came and said I could have their bed (and the door would lock!). After grandmother got herself kicked out of the house,  Mom-lady stayed in mom mode until Brad came for me (after she called him 3 times and told him "if you want her, come get her!"--she now says that should have kept me then).

I remember thinking then, "Wow! She's acting like a mom!" I'd never experienced that kind of care before. 

Then in 2012 I was sick! Three months of fever starting with bronchitis,  followed by pneumonia,  then the flu! By the time that was over it took weeks to get back to life. The only person that called me was the Mom, she called me daily... she never called/calls me, I always call her,  and always have. But she was concerned,  and I could hear it in her voice. She and me were the only two that thought I might die, nobody else seemed to care. 

That day in 2015 when I saw the look on her face in this picture,  those memories came back, and I was overwhelmed with my blindness. When one hasn't been loved, they can't see when they are loved. Like I said, my world was falling apart. I had discovered that the one I'd trusted to love me for the rest of my life,  didn't,  and with his own words,  he admitted he didn't even know why he had married me. But looking at this picture,  I couldn't deny that she loved me and probably did for years before this picture was taken (She did travel almost 1000 miles to be my Matron of Honor--and be in this picture), but I didn't see, I hadn't really received it. I felt humbled, and like a jerk. 

Today this picture is still on my dresser.  Sometimes,  I think I should put away (or throw it away), it could be considered a reminder of what was but is no more. But I can't unsee the mother's love in her eyes, love I have since experienced as an unconditional one, and I can't get rid of the photo because it reminds me of how blessed I am to have that lady in my world.  God has seen fit to bring me home and build a mother-daughter relationship with her that is closer than some biological families. 

What is really amazing is I have seen her look at me like that in real life. I could almost believe that she not only loves me, but she might even be proud of me, too.