Showing posts from 2017

A new chapter, a new name

This may be the post that takes the most time to write.   I am starting it months before it will be posted. But I  need to be careful about what I say,  and the timing of the post,  must be absolutely perfect. I have no idea how many people read my blog posts,  or even why.  I hope you are blessed,  and that God is glorified. Many of you are reading this because I plan to encourage all my facebook friends to read it. I'm am planning on waiting a few days to a week after posting this  before I make a big change to my facebook. You can probably guess, by the title,  that my name is changing.   But what is changing is almost the whole name.   I'm going to keep my middle name,  but first and last are going.   Most of you know by now, divorce has happened, and is finalized. For those who didn't know,  let me say this has been a rough road,  it was a hard choice,  but I believe it was the only one I could make.   More information will be given to those who ask me directly.   You…

Christmas 2017

Sometimes when we are in the middle of something amazing we think we will never forget how wonderful a thing is or how blessed we are in that very moment. Then one day life takes a turn and we can hardly believe that goodness really happened.So, just in case, so I have proof that it was real, I am going to write it all down now.  Then one day if I need it, I will have it to look back on and remember my first Christmas "alone", and what a blessing it was.2017 started chaotic and scary, a rush of fear and anxiety brought in the year. An urgent need for a lawyer, and a desperate fear caused by having 1300 a month in bills and an average income (state aid + all the work I could acquire) of about 900 (the math doesn't work, but God is amazing!). God provided every need, including all the money needed to rent a car to drive to Oregon for court and, somehow I returned from the trip with as much money as I left with and was able to make extra payments on bills and in spite of mi…

Another Goodbye

Saying goodbye is really getting old. :)  So I would really appreciate it if "my people" would quit dying!  Just saying...

The latest to depart passed away about two weeks ago, and I have just been procrastinating on this, because I need to, but I really don't want to say good-bye, and my brain hasn't quite accepted it.  He has "always been there" for more than 25 years.  The first people we met when we arrived in Yucca Valley.  His wife invited us to church.  They were our neighbors for 5 years and always a blessing to see in the exact same seat every time I visited CBC for 20+ years.

He gave me more rides to and from school during my senior year of high school than my step-dad did (because his son attended the same school).  They invited us over to swim every time they "opened" their pool all summer long (a huge blessing in the desert).  We were invited to I think every holiday event, and I don't know how many Sundays we spent at their hous…

blogging again.

I think I am going to do it.  No promises, but I think I will give it a shot.  But you will have to go find it and subscribe to that one in order to know when there is a new posting.  I am not going to post links to the new one on Facebook like I have with all the rest. The new one is a little more private.  I want the story out there for:
1. Those who have questions, but don't want to ask.
2. Those who may be in a similar place and need encouragement to understand the truth about themselves, that I took 40 years to learn
3. My own healing and processing of all I have been through over the last 20 years.

There is no intent to harm anyone's reputation or to "villain-ize" anyone in the eyes of those who may love or admire them. Nothing is all one person's fault, we all make choices. Some with full knowledge of what is going on and some in ignorance of our situation.

There is much hurt in all our lives at this moment, and it will remain for a long time, and some of …

Thank you

I am 41 years old (Well, 41 and a half☺), and I am just now realizing I am a likable person. I saw myself in the mirror tonight, and liked who I saw. She was confident and appeared to be comfortable in her own skin.
It's amazing to me. I have never liked myself.  I believed the voices in my head (wherever they came from) that I was unworthy and unimportant.  I believed my peers that I was dirty and disgusting (no matter how clean and careful I tried to be). I believed others in my life that treated me like I could never do or be good enough (no matter how hard I tried to listen and follow direction).I've known for decades (almost 3) that I am a daughter of the King and am loved perfectly by Him. But knowing it doesn't mean I believe it enough to live it.  Really,  knowing it,  made it easier to excuse the love shown to me by others because,"they don't love me, God does, and they are His tools in my life." Though that is true, it is incomplete and a manner of…

"We love you like a daughter"

"We love you like a daughter"

Today, they said it twice. And they said it to me a week ago, too.  It overwhelms me.  And the amazing part? I know they aren't the only couple to feel that way!

I don't understand it. I completely appreciate it.

I know what it is to be unloved. To feel disposable.  To be convinced that the world would be a better place if I would just kill myself (not to never have been born, but if I would just die--yes I had people convince me of this).

I know I am loved. I know unconditional love, from many. When I pause to think about it, and start to name names, I can't comprehend it. Why me? Why am I worthy or deserving of such love, from so many? Yeah, I'm needy, and insecure, but aren't others just as needy, or more so?  Why do I get to steal all these hearts? What makes me so special?

These people don't have to participate in my life at all. Yet they spend hours on the phone, or with me in their homes, the send, spend and give…