Believe it!! That's what I keep being told.
Believe I am the kind of person I want to be, but don't see myself as? Believe God has/is still making me who I long to be, but the Devil has managed to completely blind me of it?
The one who told me these nice things, is one I trust to tell me truth… and she knows me well (better than I realized!- ever feel like the "walls" around yourself are made of one way glass, and you are the only one that can't see through them??)…
"Believe it!!" she insists.
Thoughtful, generous... OK. I think I can accept that (I do tend to "impulse" buy when something brings someone to mind). Warm, inviting?? Not so much… caring, interested??? I try, but with the list of those interested in investing in friendship being so small, I'm afraid I fail…
No, I see blunt, emotionless, cold(?) with selfish tendencies. I've been convinced not many care, so why bother?? And I'm told frequently that I am harsh and angry…
I'm wrong she says. I just don't see it, she insists. I've been blinded and need to claim the truth…"Believe it!!"
But if I believe it, then I have to measure up. I have to live the reputation I believe I have.
If I believe it, where's my explanation for my friendlessness? See, if I am cold and emotionless and rude and selfish and harsh and disinterested… well that explains why nobody wants to spend time with me… but if I "believe it!!", what's the reason for my solitude? Why?
If I "believe it!!"… all this positive out flowing of God's love (because, I haven't even been trying for at least 5 years), and nobody responds? Nobody sees a lonely soul? God doesn't impress on anyone enough for them to act on reaching out?
How do I "believe it!!"??
I can try. But what I am experiencing and what I have been told (no matter how reliable the source) just don't add up! Which do I believe. Which am I living?? What I see or what I'm told?? I guess that is the question… what am I living? Which view is true? Mine or this casual observer? Am I so deceived that everything I have seen and experienced as my life for years has been an illusion, a lie and what I'm told is true and I've completely missed it!?!?!!
I'm trying… I'm confused!