God's Amazing Grace
Sixteen years ago yesterday was one of the hardest days ever of my life, and certainly the hardest to that point in my life. I was home alone, most of the people I would have turned to were gone to camp with Brad, I was pregnant... It was a beautiful summer Sunday morning in Oregon. I was up and getting ready for church.
Then, the telephone rang. I answered it and it was "Aunt" Louise. She asked for Brad (sort of unusual). I told her he was gone for the week to camp, wouldn't be back until Saturday. She didn't know what else to do, so she blurted out the news. Her mother passed away that morning! It took my breath away! She was doing better! She was supposed to coming home soon! I didn't get to tell her goodbye before she left on vacation! This could not be real! Not right! (But I couldn't say any of that on the phone to Louise, or out loud to anyone!!)
And I had nobody to turn to for comfort or understanding.
But God...
I didn't know what else to do, it would have raised questions if stayed home from church, so I went, but I REALLY didn't want to go! On the way, I told the Lord, " I am going because I am supposed to, but I really don't want to be there. I would really appreciate it if You would cancel church for today."
He did.
I got there and the two unofficial maintenance guys, were scrambling around trying to figure out how to fix something, I wasn't sure what. And a few minutes later, Pastor arrived, the men talked and Pastor told me, "Church is canceled, we have no water. But we can't call everyone, because they are probably all on the way already."
I volunteered to stay and let people know, and share the news about my dear Grandma Lady. It was perfect. The Lord canceled church for me, and I got a few hugs, and I was able to share the news enough to face the reality a little. So many didn't realize what a great loss I was dealing with, and in a way, on that day, it was the best. They didn't know, so I had no "permission" (from myself) to fall apart.
The week alone with that news, was also difficult, but you know God knows best. I was able to tell myself all those cliche words of comfort that one always hears with the loss of a loved one. The things people say, and mean, but maybe fall so short because they really don't give much comfort. Coming from someone else I believe would have fed resentment because I didn’t get to finish with her the way I wanted. Hearing those consolations from myself, even if I wanted to dismiss them, I had to admit to myself and God that they were true: His timing is perfect. His ways are right. He knows best. He loves her (and me) most. She is in a better place. She is no longer suffering or sick. Nobody had to worry about her anymore....
I was home alone. So I was free to break down in tears any time I felt the urge. I could scream. I could be quiet. I could call a friend who did understand my loss. I could be ok, like nothing was wrong one moment and a basket case the next. It was a blessing. By the time Brad returned from camp, he didn't have to console me, I had already hashed it out with God. And though I wasn't sure how life would be okay without her, I had agreed with God that I could and would be okay with His decision to take her 14 weeks before she had the chance to meet my first born child (probably the biggest dream I had had, and was truly excited to have happen).
I was not ready to say goodbye. Truth is, I would never have been ready for that. I still think of her every day. And try to believe how amazed she might be of who I am today. How pleased she would be with who my children are.
But when I look back on that darkest of days, I remember God heard my prayer and did the "impossible" for me that day. Church doesn't just get canceled randomly, but that day He allowed broken water pipes, so that I could have a day to process without having to face everyone at the same time, or hear it announced from the pulpit and have a crowd of people surround me all at once. By Wednesday, the pipes were fixed, her passing was "old news" and it was easier to deal with questions.
He knows His children. He knows what we need. He is perfect. He loves us. And sometimes He gives us personal miracles that look like difficulties from the perspective of others. Those guys that had to fix the water pipes, were not happy about the problem. But their problem was my blessing.
I need to remember, maybe when my life has hit an obstacle, maybe there is a blessing or answer to prayer for someone else that has created my difficulty.
God is good.
Comments
Post a Comment