inner struggles

When you're pretty sure the whole world just tolerates you,  and one of the people you see most often says ,"We always love that you come back. You're pretty good company."

That's the Facebook status I was going to put up a couple days ago. But I couldn't.

It's true, that happened,  but I can't quite process it.  

I hear things all the time, from honest, sincere people who I believe love me and mean what they say, but I am damaged.  And even though I have come so very far, sometimes I fear that damage may be permanent. 

I honestly don't remember compliments from anyone as a child. I remember being the only child in many situations, left to entertain myself while adults had their meetings or fellowship in the next room,  often forgetting I was there. I remember being the last one chosen for teams at school. I remember my grandmother saying, "nobody really cares.", I remember talking with classmates in Jr.High, having a third person come along look at me and say to the other,"Are you talking to her??" And the reply would be,"what? No!" And they would walk off together.

I'm the one a person feels ok to cancel plans with because someone else wants to do something at the time we had plans. I'm the often told,"we had a great time, wish you were there, don't know why nobody thought to invite you."

And the list goes on...

All this not to get pity, but instead that one might gain some understanding.  The damage done when we as young people believe our peers, family,  and other influential adults,  will haunt us for years, and I am starting to believe perhaps the rest of our lives.

These things that haunt me do at least two terrible things.  First, they make it almost impossible for me to believe that I am likeable (forget loveable!!), or pretty, or anything positive. Second, and worse in my mind, because I cannot believe a compliment, it leaves me, in my mind, accusing those who have positive things to say, of being liars. I know they aren't lying, but to me either they are fooled, or just saying nice things. 

I would love to be able to accept kind words, and believe that they are true.  But I don't know how.  

The person who is the most honest and straight forward with me said those words at the top of this page.  And it still doesn't seem quite possible to me.  I see her almost everyday,  and if I don't visit in person,  we're on the phone at least once, and sometimes multiple visits AND phone calls in the same day.  If what she said wasn't true, she wouldn't endure so much of me as happily as she does.

But I don't understand. 

I have an echo chamber, and it reminds me of what I have believed and had reinforced for 40 years...