Another Goodbye

Saying goodbye is really getting old. :)  So I would really appreciate it if "my people" would quit dying!  Just saying...

The latest to depart passed away about two weeks ago, and I have just been procrastinating on this, because I need to, but I really don't want to say good-bye, and my brain hasn't quite accepted it.  He has "always been there" for more than 25 years.  The first people we met when we arrived in Yucca Valley.  His wife invited us to church.  They were our neighbors for 5 years and always a blessing to see in the exact same seat every time I visited CBC for 20+ years.

He gave me more rides to and from school during my senior year of high school than my step-dad did (because his son attended the same school).  They invited us over to swim every time they "opened" their pool all summer long (a huge blessing in the desert).  We were invited to I think every holiday event, and I don't know how many Sundays we spent at their hous…

blogging again.

I think I am going to do it.  No promises, but I think I will give it a shot.  But you will have to go find it and subscribe to that one in order to know when there is a new posting.  I am not going to post links to the new one on Facebook like I have with all the rest. The new one is a little more private.  I want the story out there for:
1. Those who have questions, but don't want to ask.
2. Those who may be in a similar place and need encouragement to understand the truth about themselves, that I took 40 years to learn
3. My own healing and processing of all I have been through over the last 20 years.

There is no intent to harm anyone's reputation or to "villain-ize" anyone in the eyes of those who may love or admire them. Nothing is all one person's fault, we all make choices. Some with full knowledge of what is going on and some in ignorance of our situation.

There is much hurt in all our lives at this moment, and it will remain for a long time, and some of …

Thank you

I am 41 years old (Well, 41 and a half☺), and I am just now realizing I am a likable person. I saw myself in the mirror tonight, and liked who I saw. She was confident and appeared to be comfortable in her own skin.
It's amazing to me. I have never liked myself.  I believed the voices in my head (wherever they came from) that I was unworthy and unimportant.  I believed my peers that I was dirty and disgusting (no matter how clean and careful I tried to be). I believed others in my life that treated me like I could never do or be good enough (no matter how hard I tried to listen and follow direction).I've known for decades (almost 3) that I am a daughter of the King and am loved perfectly by Him. But knowing it doesn't mean I believe it enough to live it.  Really,  knowing it,  made it easier to excuse the love shown to me by others because,"they don't love me, God does, and they are His tools in my life." Though that is true, it is incomplete and a manner of…

"We love you like a daughter"

"We love you like a daughter"

Today, they said it twice. And they said it to me a week ago, too.  It overwhelms me.  And the amazing part? I know they aren't the only couple to feel that way!

I don't understand it. I completely appreciate it.

I know what it is to be unloved. To feel disposable.  To be convinced that the world would be a better place if I would just kill myself (not to never have been born, but if I would just die--yes I had people convince me of this).

I know I am loved. I know unconditional love, from many. When I pause to think about it, and start to name names, I can't comprehend it. Why me? Why am I worthy or deserving of such love, from so many? Yeah, I'm needy, and insecure, but aren't others just as needy, or more so?  Why do I get to steal all these hearts? What makes me so special?

These people don't have to participate in my life at all. Yet they spend hours on the phone, or with me in their homes, the send, spend and give…

Grandpa Man

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog. 
But a chapter is ending. One I am not ready for (I could never be ready for it), but God's time is. 
Do you have one person, who is a constant in your life? An anchor. Steady. Strong. One who has always been there, quietly in the background, yet an active part of your life? One person who, if you had never met them, you know, without doubt, your life would be completely different?
I have one. He will be leaving for Heaven soon. He'd be the first to tell you, it's a God thing, what happened to bring our lives together. But I assure you that he had to be a willing tool in God's hand in order for what happened in my life, to have happened.  (If you wanna know what happened, go back and read all the previous blog posts)
I have many people I can't imagine what it would be like to not have them in my life. I have some that have made a difference by helping me learn and grow. People I don't have words to…


The hardest thing for me is to accept a compliment. I can believe you see what you say you see, but I don't necessarily believe you see the real me. I am so quick to laugh it off or pass the compliment off as "God working in and through me" (which I do believe is the truth--any good thing you see, is God in me), that it sometimes seems (to me) that I am insulting the sincerity of the one giving the compliment.  
But today was different. Today someone who has known me for a long time gave me a compliment. She knows me better than anyone else walking the planet today. She knows me well enough to know compliments are awkward for me. And I know her well enough to know she only speaks truth to me. Both things I want to hear and things I don't. So when she said what she did, I could say,"thank you" and nothing more. She still pointed out she wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. And though I have my doubts, I know I could accept that truth, because it came fr…

Three gone in a week

Yeah. Three friends gone in less than seven days… the first two were sad. I'll miss them. Sweet men of our church. Kind. Caring. Always a smile and a kind word….

The third, took my breath away. She was MY friend. I don't know what knit our hearts together so. She invested time and enjoyed my company. She was open and loved to share her past. She loved to laugh. We were the same height, wore the same shoe size and had the same middle name. Old enough to be my grandma, but loving enough to be my friend.

She was one of several ladies who befriended me and she was the last one to leave…. I guess I'll be OK without the anchor of her presence, or she wouldn't have been called home.

It's just weird.

Ever lose someone or something and feel all alone? Like nobody can begin to understand the loss? It's not simply "farewell my friend", a part of my past is gone, the chapter is fully written. There is no more with "my widow" ladies. …