Sunday, February 26, 2017
Today, they said it twice. And they said it to me a week ago, too. It overwhelms me. And the amazing part? I know they aren't the only couple to feel that way!
I don't understand it. I completely appreciate it.
I know what it is to be unloved. To feel disposable. To be convinced that the world would be a better place if I would just kill myself (not to never have been born, but if I would just die--yes I had people convince me of this).
I know I am loved. I know unconditional love, from many. When I pause to think about it, and start to name names, I can't comprehend it. Why me? Why am I worthy or deserving of such love, from so many? Yeah, I'm needy, and insecure, but aren't others just as needy, or more so? Why do I get to steal all these hearts? What makes me so special?
These people don't have to participate in my life at all. Yet they spend hours on the phone, or with me in their homes, the send, spend and give me money that they have no reason to use for my aid. They send birthday and Christmas gifts to me and my children... Because of these people, my children have more life savings than I do!
God is so good to me. And the more I dwell on His goodness to me, the less worthy I feel.
Every one of these people have their own children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, why do I get to be added to their numbers?
I am blessed beyond measure. My family in Christ is my family. I don't know how He knits hearts together, and I don't know why He chooses the people He brings together, but I am so very thankful! Because without the love and care of those He has put in my life, I would not be who I am. And more than that, I wouldn't understand Who He is as well as I do. True adoption. Unconditional love. Grace. Mercy. Trust. I wouldn't understand any of it.
Thank you for loving me.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Thursday, May 3, 2012
The third, took my breath away. She was MY friend. I don't know what knit our hearts together so. She invested time and enjoyed my company. She was open and loved to share her past. She loved to laugh. We were the same height, wore the same shoe size and had the same middle name. Old enough to be my grandma, but loving enough to be my friend.
She was one of several ladies who befriended me and she was the last one to leave…. I guess I'll be OK without the anchor of her presence, or she wouldn't have been called home.
It's just weird.
Ever lose someone or something and feel all alone? Like nobody can begin to understand the loss? It's not simply "farewell my friend", a part of my past is gone, the chapter is fully written. There is no more with "my widow" ladies. The laughter has faded, the learning is done… the love will live on in my heart.
I will miss MY Mrs. A. often and much. I hope I have learned something of her character that I can pass on to those who never knew her…
Friday, April 27, 2012
I collect "old people". I love them. A great source for love, wisdom… examples of Christ's love. But they leave. Heaven is full of my friends. And more are preparing to to go…my selfish self really doesn't like that reality.
I love "my old people", and I am always excited for them to go, because they are perfect and whole, better than ever before. But I am selfish. I want them here where I can see them and touch them and talk to them… hear their voice once more…
Really worse than having them gone, is watching them prepare to go. The deterioration of the strong and healthy to weak and feeble absolutely breaks my heart. To see the grace with which so many endure is a true blessing and encouragement. But to see what must be endured, of we remain on this Earth for 80 or 90 or 100 years, is discouraging.
I can't tell how many times I've heard,"Don't get old..." believe me, I want to take that advice more than any other advice anyone has ever given…
It just hits every now and again…
The reality of time. It's unstoppable. Irreversible.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I am committed! The ladies prayer group thing has been announced and my name is attached… I cannot back out now, unless God takes me out… and somehow, I don't think that is going to happen.
As we were singing songs in the beginning of the service this morning, we were singing about the Lord's return and there was a line in one of the songs about seeing my friend. I know it was referring to Jesus, but for whatever reason it brought Mrs. K to mind. Then my sweet little easily distracted mind wandered off into her and how amazed she would be by this new ministry I have put together. Not only that I put something together and am about to make it happen, but that it's PRAYER centered. ME leading a prayer group?!?? She would be rejoicing in the Lord so much because she knows how difficult it was for her to get me to pray "dear Lord, thank you for this day. Amen."
She promised me it was important to learn to pray… if we only knew. And I know why I didn't know lol.
Isn't God amazing.
Part of me wishes she could be here. But all of me knows she is not supposed to be. And a piece of me believes she is here, in my heart, in who I am… I wouldn't be here about to do this of she wasn't who she was in my life and hadn't done what she did.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A date I will always remember.
A day that changed everything.
But would I change anything?
Though the answer may seem shocking to some, I can honestly say… no, I wouldn't.
If the event of that day hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am, where I am… not the slightest shadow of who I know me to be would exist. Oh, yeah. The darkest moments of my life wouldn't have happened, but my life would have gone in a completely different direction and I more than likely would have experienced other kinds of hurts along the way.
Not minimizing the abuse I endured. Life happens, and with every thing and every day we have good and bad and the experiences we have are mingled together.
If December 10,1988 hadn't been the day my mother married… August 9,1992 would have come and gone without it being my first Sunday at CBC. And OH, the blessings I would have missed!!
And the awesome thing about God... He allowed all those horrible nights, but with them came many more beautiful days. And He didn't allow me to endure those nights alone, He was there with me. Protecting me. You see, I have many memories of "comings and goings", but memories of actual "happenings" are few. God took those from me quickly, and keeps them hidden, I have an occasional flashback, or react to things negatively for unknown reasons… but what I have been blessed with remembering is the good things. The "God things".
My stepfather took us away from the only hometown I ever knew. He refused to take us to church, so we had to go to one we could walk to. He followed me everywhere I went, so I stayed home and spent hours on the phone. The only place I went he didn't… church :). The only people I could friend and not be accused of wrong… older couples and widows.
Blessing after blessing after blessing.
So much to be thankful for… that wouldn't be… if that day 23 years ago, today had been different.
God is good.